If you’ve read the “About Me” section on the website, you will have read that I “have” cancer.
Now, I’m a little wary about saying or writing things such as this as I am a great believer that “thoughts become things”. And therefore don’t like to make such bold negative statements re-inforcing something that I no longer believe is true for me, especially as I am relying on myself to heal my own cancer. WHAT? Yes yes I know it may sound crazy to you and if you have ever known anyone with cancer (which let’s face it in this day and age is very probable given the rate at which it is growing, and the rate at which “a cure” is on its way to being discovered – yeah right!) as most people on being diagnosed with cancer, filled with the utmost dread and visions of death, jump on the chemo or radiotherapy train. I’m not judging, as I have been there and done it myself and I can wholeheartedly say that at the time I felt it was the right thing to do, if the only thing to do. I underwent keyhole surgery, daily lashings of radiotherapy, weekly sessions of blood poisoning (aka chemo), not to mention 2 blood transfusions, an extremely painful kidney infection, nausea, weakness, spent a LOT of time worshipping the porcelain God and had to deal with soul destroying side-effects.
Fast forward four and a half years and I’m told the cancer has returned in my lymph nodes around my neck. Having had 2 bouts of pneumonia in the last 2 years, it’s fair to say that my immune system is pretty battered and it was while I lay in hospital bored out of my mind wondering when my body was going to finally start working properly that I found a very tiny lump in my neck, which led to me being diagnosed for the second time in my twenties. What fun!
Throughout both lots of cancer I seem to have baffled friends and loved ones with my direct and pragmatic approach to dealing with having cancer. Despite having “dealt with it well”, according to friends, I’m not going to say it was easy because it was without doubt one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to endure. So 5 months ago, when I was told the cancer had recurred, I didn’t even cry. Not in public nor in private. If anything I felt sure of what I had to do. I had to heal myself. That may sound very odd to you, that it would occur for me to think that I am even capable of such a feat. But I know I can and I already have. (I haven’t had any tests as yet to prove I am right but although I have one in 3 days time, I don’t really need it.) I know I am healed and that I will always always be okay.
I have always had this overwhelming feeling that I will live a long and happy life and that sees me through. Weirdly I have actually never been happier. Truly. I realise a lot of the things I am writing may sound like I am a strong candidate for being carted off to the local loony bin but I know in my heart, all is well.
So what am I doing that is making me so happy? Unknowingly since the last diagnosis, I have been following Carl Jung’s advice. He once said, “We don’t really heal anything; we simply let it go.”
I can honestly say that I have wholeheartedly followed the feelings from my heart, which tells me, it’s all okay. By listening to my body, to my heart and really truly appreciating the now, living in the moment and doing the things I WANT to do, NOT the things I think I SHOULD do (which so many of us do in fear of being judged or reprimanded for being selfish) and examining the thoughts my mind creates, I have been able to access the real me and from that place I feel safe and protected.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said “We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens”.
So for now, I am happy listening to my inner wisdom, envisaging my doctor telling me that the cancer has “miraculously” disappeared and enjoying the NOW, for it is all I, we, can be sure of in this moment.
Light and love